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Control.



Some people have it.

Some people want it.

Some people need to practice it.



At times we can spiral out of it. That is human. That is nature. That is something we do, but the task is to be able to gain that control back. To actually grab hold of it and regain it.



I've lost control. I admit it. As soon as I notice it I try to regain it. If I cannot, then it's time for me to step away and become dormant until I can be comfortable within myself and know that I can control what ever it is that needs to be controlled.



Right now I can feel my temper start to spiral. I have a bad temper. The way my temper comes off online is not even close to the real way my temper is. In person it is way worse.



I've learned to control it. At least to a point. Of course there are those people who can trigger that temper deep within me. They are wasted space to me. These are people I NEVER want to see in any form of setting besides online. Because if I cannot control that temper then, I know I will not be able to even remotely control that temper in a real life setting.



On this site I bite my tongue a lot. I tolerate quite a bit and I keep my silence more than what only a few people know. Why? Because what I do/say reflects on more things than just myself. So I choose to say little and skip on with my happy way.



This is why my journal has been dull, lifeless and irregular in postings. Quite honestly, I have little nice to say at the moment. I find myself disgusted with the bandwagons, some people and the amount of 'gang up problem solving' that I've seen.



I seen it today as a matter of fact. As much as I wanted to say something, I didn't because it is not my fight to battle in, but those who were in on it, you make me sick. Point. Blank. Ill.



I cannot control who likes who, who thinks who should be gone and who thinks who is fake, phony, an illusion, so on and so forth. That is fine with me. If I could control that, it would be a very boring place.



I do control who I am friends with and I must say the people who I am friends with make me smile, giggle and laugh. I don't care who cares for them and who doesn't. If they can bring a smile to my face, then I want to talk to them. Why? Because I enjoy a good smile and a hearty laugh. There is nothing better in the world.



I will say this now since I am sure the question of " Is that me?" will arise. It could be and it might not be.



In the words of my KamiK



"just sayin' :)"

The hardest thing to do is battle depression. It's a constant struggle day in and day out. It's even hard to live with someone who is in depression. Especially when they are so far down that it takes a toll with everyone around them.



It is extremely difficult when you take care of yourself, take you medication and try to better yourself and then the other person doesn't or stops. And then they fall back into that hole again. It can effect you and your 'stability'.



I understand how hard it is to admit that you have some sort of problem. Especially if you are the one that people gain strength from. It is not easy at all, but sometimes it is necessary.



I wish more people would be secure in letting people know they aren't all right. It's okay to admit fault, weakness, etc. We after all, are human. It is going to happen. We are not invincible. We are not immortal. Things can happen. Things WILL happen. Life takes some pretty unexpected turns. Some that better us and some that cut us to the core. Which ever turn that comes about, it's okay to admit feelings. Whether it's to someone you can trust or even a heath care professional.



I know I sound like an ad and I am not saying this for sympathy, attention or for any sort of pity. I am saying this because more people need to realize it's okay.



I am also saying this because I need to self reflect and realize that:



I have a problem.

I am not immortal.

I am not invincible.

I cannot hold the world on my shoulders.

I cannot change fate.

It's okay to admit defeat.

It's okay to admit being hurt.

It's okay to admit my problems.



Because in the end, with the friends I have, they will love me regardless.

So.. finally.. I broke down and made a Deviant Art account.



So far.. I really dig it. As soon as I get all the stuff situated that I want on there, I can't wait to spend some time lookin' at the world through other people's eyes.



Now.. my only question is..



I have some 'Fetish' stuff I could put up, but I am a little.. uhmm.. nervous? lol



I need to decide if I want to do that. I WANT to because I like some of the shots I have, but I'm scared because well.. surprise surprise.. I CAN be shy.

I just did my first myspace layout thingy.



I'm pretty proud of this mofo!



Click here Dammit





-beams-

This is my new favorite song. =D

There is profanity... FYI.

There are times I feel like I am back in high school again. Especially on here.



Just like I was in school, I am friends with people who fly under the radar, I keep pretty close to myself and I don't let people fight my battles and I don't want people to stick their neck out for me.



And just like in school I see the groups who are like "you mess with my friends you mess with me", The really over the radar people hang mostly together and the teachers pets.



It's kind of funny how it happens.

There are times when I feel as though I am not cut out for 'social sites'. But, I disregard it and I keep plugging away making my existence smaller and smaller. Still trying to enjoy time.



I have said within the past month that I was going to ignore my journal. I have seen myself become more and more negative. I do not like it. It makes me feel icky. And I do not like to feel icky.



I've had things change drastically within' my life and with me. I do not need to be negative at this time. It does not do me any good.



But there are times when I can feel that little anger vein throb in my forehead because someone has just pushed me beyond the point of me being negative. Then I have to calm down because I have to remember that SOME of the people who make that little vein throb in my forehead have not have the life experiences that some have.



I do NOT want to be known, as or if I am I do not want to be considered that any longer, the chick who is just nothing but a bitch because she acts as though she is above all.



Let me tell you something to be known as that is not the greatest thing in the world. Especially when you see the amount of judgment thrown around. And you realize that some of the judgment is so petty. I am pretty sure that is some knew my whole story they would judge me as some sort of handicapped fat girl who is still trying to convince herself that she will be the way she was. Or be disgusted by me. Which is why My story is not a public story. Because I don't need the judgment.



At this point.. I have just SO much to say, but I can't form it all into anything that many would understand.



So.. I am going to end it here.



Enough is just enough.

Lately I have been thinking about somethin'. Something that not only has to do with me, but people who I enjoy.





I've been thinkin about closing down Existere.

I am not sure if or when, but I have been thinking about it. There are numerous reasons as to why.



1. I don't have the patience to rate and find people.



2. Members are not active.



3. I am burnt out.



4. I am getting tired of being in charge.



5. I am just over it.



I know that people who I enjoy will go other places, but I can always talk to them.



I dunno we will see.